The Cynical Optimist

2006-09-12T10:56:00.000-05:00

Tragedy & Tenderness

I have a tragic tale I want to share with you. But I want you to be warned, you might not want to read this if you have things to do today. The best example I can give you is sometimes when I drop my son off at daycare in the mornings, as soon as I hand him to one of the ladies that works there, he turns and looks back at me and starts crying and reaching out for me. The first time this happened was not with him, but almost five years ago with my daughter. For me there is nothing that is more likely to screw up my whole day more than my son or daughter crying for me not to leave them. After that the rest of my day is pretty much shot and I only have that image swimming around in my head all day. I think there is a good psychological explanation for that I will perhaps get into another time. But you are warned, if you don’t want to risk screwing up your day or your night’s sleep don’t read this right now. Wait until you have a better time, or not at all. I would totally understand if you never want to read this. What I have to say might do more than tug on your heartstrings, it might rip them out and piss all over them. I don’t tell this story to bring anyone down or have them share in my grief, I tell it because there is a tender beauty at the end of it that touches me deeply. It is this beauty that might do more to screw up your day or night than the tragedy, it was the beauty that kept me awake until midnight last night. It was this same tenderness that was fresh on my mind this morning and in my thoughts all day.

Sunday, we were doing a little house cleaning, big stuff this time. It was brought about by the intolerable disarray of our girls’ bedroom. Kimberly went through the room and decided she wanted to throw out a lot of stuff. We found other items that were taking up space too and decided to get rid of them. I pile stuff like this up in the backyard for months, old water hoses, large empty boxes, old appliances, sticks, and boards. When either the pile gets too big or we decide to do this kind of cleaning, I burn it. Sunday, especially considering it had just rained I decided to burn it. The pile was big and Kimberly kept bringing me more stuff to burn. My dog, Pepsi, stayed on a chain that’s limit was a few feet away from the fire. Kimberly decided to let her go so she could stretch her legs and so she didn’t have to feel the heat, or breath the smoke.. Pepsi bounded around the yard enjoying her temporary reprieve.

I was in the backyard burning, MaKayla was in the front yard sitting on the sidewalk playing with some chalk, the rest of my family was inside still cleaning. Can there be anything more beautifully innocent and serene than the image of a five-year-old girl with long blonde hair blowing in the wind drawing pictures and nonsense words on the sidewalk while the family dog bounces around her, both happily enjoying a beautiful, cool late summer day? I would have you see this image very well, it is nice isn’t. My sweet little girl whose vocabulary is well beyond that of a toddler, but who still possesses that problem with annunciation that makes all children’s voices so cute, my dog who has a problem with her odor because she sweats, but who has the sweetest temperament, totally unaware of her own size and confused as to why the smaller animals don’t want to play with her. Do you see this well, I wish I could tell you my tale ended here, I really do, but I can’t.

Nature has a sick sense of humor. My dog had a bad habit of chasing cars, not everyone that came by, one out of every four or five maybe. There was no predictable pattern. Sometimes she would see a car and the mood would strike her and she would give chase. Sometimes she would see a car and not. We had left her off the chain for sometime and decided that since she couldn’t stop chasing cars we had to put her back on a chain, she was a danger to herself and drivers. People that have dogs that chase cars can only expect one end to come of this. Eventually the dogs luck or ability to pull up in time would run out. Sunday was Pepsi’s day. A large white truck passed and the mood struck Pepsi. She let loose with her barks of excitement and gave chase. My daughter looked up at the sound of Pepsi’s barks and watched her. Watched the truck run down my big, friendly canine. There was no mess and my dog didn’t die straight out, she was either thrown or got back up and ran. My daughter would report to her mother while they were taking a bath that she could still hear Pepsi in her ears, this was hours later too.

Pepsi in her final burst of energy ran toward home and what she hoped was her safety. She ran so hard with her last effort that she ran into the side of the house and my wife heard it and came to investigate. After running into the house Pepsi turned and saw MaKayla. This is what I choose to believe here, this last act of Pepsi’s could be no more than coincidence, but I don’t think or want to believe that. Pepsi saw MaKayla and felt the blackness closing in around her, some part of her, instinct perhaps knew the end was here. With the last ounce of strength she walked over to my sweet daughter, one of us that Pepsi so loved, and laid down next to her. My wife looked out the window at that moment to see what the noise was. There was MaKayla sitting with her legs crossed on the sidewalk, her chalk spread out around her, colorful happy images peppering the gray of our walkway, and next to her was Pepsi lying on the sidewalk, her tongue hanging out limp and her eyes vacant and lifeless. She saw Pepsi’s chest rise a single time, then no more. Pepsi died right there next to my daughter, and I choose to believe that she found some comfort in being close to someone she loved there at the end, maybe even peace. It is a horrible and beautiful image at the same time, both tragic and tender. When I think about it, as I do now, it rips me apart with equal measures of grief and something akin to pride.

My greatest concern after this and probably something on the forefront of your mind as well was whether or not this incident would traumatize my daughter. I don’t think it has, though it is too soon to know for sure, I am writing this the day after this event, but she seemed okay yesterday and seems okay today too, a little sad maybe, but that is to be expected. I have not talked to her about it, I don’t know if that is the right decision or not. I don’t know if it was a decision at all. Part of me believes that I should talk to her about how it made her feel, and part of me believes that such a talk might add weight to it in her mind and cause the trauma I am hoping to avoid. The only mention she has made of it since then, outside of the journalist point of telling us what happened, was when she told her mother that she could still hear the sound Pepsi made after the truck hit her. She slept well last night, and that is good. If any of you have thoughts on this I would surely listen.

I hope you see why I told you this story, sometimes at the worst moments of life there is still beauty. And it is moments like those that can touch us most deeply. I buried my dog next to her favorite bush in the backyard, but my last memory of her is not burying her, or the last time I saw her frolicking before the accident, it is of something I didn’t even witness. It is of her laying down next to my daughter to be close to someone she loves, and find comfort in that love. Tragic it may be, that is still a great and powerful memory to have.

2006-09-12T10:54:00.000-05:00

It's a celebration, it's a national party, it's a holiday, it's a signifigant event. No, wait it's none of these. Then why haven't I been able to go anywhere for the past two weeks without hearing about it. I walk into class and hear, "Today is Katrina's Birthday", I look at a paper and see headlines like, "One Year Later". What is this fascination, why are we marking this passing of time.

I know this isn't the first time we have recognized and dwelled on tragedy. I was around in September 2002 and remember all the rememberance. And maybe I accepted that one as almost necessary because September 11th was definitely a watershed moment in American history. Perhaps some would argue that Katrina is too, but I don't know about that.
To me it seems a little morbid to mark the passing of time from this tragedy. Yes, I know we should remember lest we repeat the mistakes of our past, but personally I find this fascination of celebrating or at least acknowledging the anniversary of Katrina more disturbing than the publics inexplicable fixation on Brad and Angelina's baby.

But lets go deeper, because there is something about all of this I find deeply disturbing. Hurricane season is well under way now and every little tropical storm is now being watched with greedy fascination. Do your own people-on-the-street poll and you may find that there are more people that can tell you at least one storm in the gulf now then their are who can't. Maybe it was this way before Katrina, but I would be skeptical of that. There seems to be a feeling o f anxious curiousity to see which if any will develop into the next Katrina. Nevermind that decades passed between major hurricane disasters in the past. Some people are determined that Katrina II is coming this year. Some of this could be put down to soothsayers who have said Katrina was a sign of end times, but is that all of it. I would like to believe so.

I don't want to believe that some people in their secret hearts want to see another disaster because it is exciting or it affirms their beliefs, religous, political, or other. I don't want to believe that people watched the endless hours of September 11th coverage because it fascinated and excited them. I don't want to believe that people watched the O.J. Simpson car chase because they were curious to see if he would commit suicide and wanted to be the first on their block to know if he did. I don't want to believe that people slow down at a car crash to see if they can see a body. I don't want to believe that some people get upset if the details are left out of a murder on the news. I don't want to believe that some peoples belief in hell comforts them to know that those they despise will be tortured. I really don't want to believe any of these things.

2006-05-10T08:46:00.000-05:00

Follow-up:
Drugs: Our Misunderstood Friend

Well, I must say I am truly flattered. I had no idea that the Mexican president reads my blog but apparently he does. If you haven't heard the story yet Mexico will legalize the possession of small quantities of drugs. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/05/03/world/main1575608.shtml

Now this is not certain at this point. United States officials are trying to push the Mexican government to not do this. Which is funny in a way. All Mexico is really doing is closing a loophole in their law. These quantities of drug possession is dropped by judges but the police still have to arrest the people before the judge drops the charges. With all that extra income and financial security that Mexico has I can certainly understand why they want to close this loophole.

In the article listed above here is a snippet:
On Friday, Mayor Jerry Sanders of San Diego, said he was "appalled" by the bill. The city of 1.3 million people is a short drive from the Mexican border town of Tijuana. "I certainly think we are going to see more drugs available in the United States," Sanders said. "We need to register every protest the American government can muster."

Here is something else the mayor said, “I view this as a hostile action by a longtime ally of the U.S.,” the mayor said at a new conference, The San Diego Union-Tribune reported.

Here's another politician:
“Mexico is becoming the second Columbia,” Rep. Henry Cuellar, D.-Texas, told The Post. “This is a serious and a ruthless situation.”

Another one:
Earlier Wednesday, U.S. Embassy spokeswoman Judith Bryan said U.S. officials had "urged Mexican representatives to review the legislation urgently to avoid the perception that drug use would be tolerated in Mexico, and to prevent drug tourism."

Something else:
Bryan said the U.S. government wants Mexico "to ensure that all persons found in possession of any quantity of illegal drugs be prosecuted or be sent into mandatory drug treatment programs."

Okay I am going to ask small children to look away, because I am about to use profanity. It is the only way I know to truly express my outrage at this point.

What gives us the fucking right to now look at Mexico and try to tell them what to do. What gives us the right to tell them how to govern their people. People that we have decided in this country that we want nothing to do with. This law does not affect us and still we try to force our will on other people. Every country does not have to be America, every country does not have to hold to our ideals. Are we fighting the crusades again a few hundred years later. Mexico can pass whatever law they want and it does not fucking concern us. They could pass a law that states that every Thursday at noon everyone in Mexico has to stick a blue dildo in their ass and sing Tutti Fruitti. And you know what, that's right, it does not fucking affect us.

This is abso-fucking-lutely in-fucking-sane. Truly it is. We have been yelling at Mexico like a bastard child for the last few months. Telling them that they better mind their children, we don't want to deal with them. Demanding that they do something to keep those horrible Mexicans out of our country and for them to stop stealing our jobs. We tell them that we don't want their people and we don't want anything to do with their people and then we try to tell them how to govern their people. That is bullshit.

Hey I know what this is really all about it has been referred to in the articles above. We are worried about "drug tourism" we are worried about Americans going down to Mexico to get high. Well so fucking what. For years people have been going down to Mexico for cheap booze, drugs, and hookers. Will that increase with a law like this, yeah probably, but so what. People can go to Amsterdam and get high if they want, but most people don't have the money for that kind of trip, but a few buddies can pile up and head for Tijuana easy enough. So once again we have class warfare here. Because the poor and middle class can do it now, we have to stop it. It is bad enough when we tell our fellow citizens in our own nation what they can and can't do because we don't want it to influence people, but now we are imposing ourselves on a soveriegn nation, a nation of democracy, an ally, and one of the few friends the United States has left in the world.

America's message to Mexico, "Hey if you want to sit by us in class you have to do what we tell you to." If I were you Mexico I would cave to the pressure though, don't forget if there is anything America is good at it is putting big holes in countries where brown people live.

During the writing of this article I found this follow-up story on CNN. Well, it looks like the big bully gets its way as usual.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/americas/05/04/mexico.drugs.ap/index.html?section=cnn_latest

2006-04-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

Different

Every human being is different. This goes without saying I know, but I am saying it anyway because it intrigues me. From the moment of birth are differences are there. A baby may look similar to it’s parents and even as he/she grows that may hold true, but they will not look just like their parents, nor will they think just like them or act like them. I believe if you locked to babies in a room together and made sure they experienced and saw the exact same things you would still have two totally separate, completely independent individuals. This fascinates me to no end.

Is our differences controlled by DNA or is it a more subtle means. I don’t know and I don’t really care too much about that. Although I am sure that whatever it is, is at the root of all that I am about to say.

Two undecided people, as in a political election, are presented with both sides of an argument and they may make completely different judgements. Two different judgements with the same information. I know this goes deeper, becomes more primal. People make decision on what is important to them, but there we are back to differences. The two people will have a different measure of what is important to them.

I find this simply amazing. Today more than any other time in our history we live in the information age. Of course we also live in the misinformation age too, and that is a culprit of differences in a negative way. Almost every piece of information, every fact, every statistic is available to every individual of this country and most of the world. We have the ability to learn everything there is to know about anything we are interested in. All it takes is time and patience. The sad truth of the matter is that most people don’t even bother to look at a fraction of the information available, I myself am guilty of that on more than one occasion, but then again I rarely profess to be an expert on anything.

Our country is divided on nearly every topic. Sometime not even divided in two, but into many pieces. Some say there should be no capital punishment, some say we should use capital punishment in only the most heinous crimes, and some say we should use it in all murder crimes. Given the same information, or at least with the ability to get the same information, people have divide on everything, gay rights, prostitution, alcohol, flag-burning, we can’t even decide if Miller Lite tastes great or is less filling. Given all the information that every other citizen either has seen or has access to I have decided that I am an atheist and that there is no higher power. People all around me have decided differently some being agnostic, some being baptist, cathlotic, deitist, buddhist, hindu, and jewish. So many different groups and all with access to the same information, but all with different interpretations and conclusions from that information. That is astounding, is in not?

It is amazing this capacity for difference. The only thing that amazes me more about this is how oblivious many people are to others differences. There are many times during a week or month where someone will starting making comments or jokes to me that are racist or homophobic. They do this because of an assumption that I as a straight, white male am like them. That I share the same likes and dislikes and have come to the same conclusions about life and people that they have. People that believe in a higher power can not fathom how someone can not believe in a higher power, and atheist can not imagine how some believes there is a higher power. We understand inherently that we are different form others, but we set up limits on differences and suddenly become oblivious to those that are different from us. A lot of this probably comes about because once we recognize what makes us different we immediately begin to seek out like minds. Once we find a group of like minds we associate and become one together molding our beliefs and ideas together. Somewhere in this we forget that it is our differences that brought us here, then we begin to believe that others are wrong. We forget that they are just different from us.

I know I have presented more than a few radical ideas in the past and I am sure I will shock you with more in the future. Please just remember I am different from you and you are different from me. We don’t have to agree, and I would be flabbergasted if someone agreed with me on everything. And while I don’t understand how anyone can not come to the same conclusions I have, I do understand that is the case. And I do realize and appreciate life is so much more interesting with the differences.

2006-04-02T12:44:00.000-05:00

What Makes an American?

There has been a lot said lately about illegal immigrants, and it has left me to think just what is it that makes them less American than me.

So what exactly is it that makes an American, or a citizen of any nation for that matter. Is it simply the random chance of the origin of birth? Is it decided by this factor in conjunction with the color of one’s skin, the accent in one’s voice, and one’s firm grasp of the language of the land? Am I an American simply because I am a white man, fluent in the English dialect, who happened ,by luck of the draw, to be born in Bossier City, Louisiana? I would like to believe that what makes me a citizen of our great land is my love for this country and the ideals that it holds to. I know I may complain quite a lot about things that happen here and decision that are made. I have on more than one occasion uttered the phrase, "I am moving to Canada." But I know that my love for this land will always remain and I will die under the red, white, and blue.
So, should we as a country have an open door policy? Should everyone that wants to be an American be allowed to become one? Do we have a responsibility, in our effort to spread democracy, to allow individuals that live under a system that they deem unworthy to ours become citizens of our nation? Is someone that sneaks into this country, not to terrorize it, but to enjoy all the benefits that naturally born citizens enjoy a criminal? Do we send these people back to a government that might look unfavorably on them as deserters? Do I have any answers to these questions?

No, not really.

There is no simple answer, but I do know one thing. We should not look down on these peoples as thieves. I ask you to put yourself in their shoes, you look at America and see a land of opportunity, a land of freedom, a land of love, kindness, and tolerance. Wouldn’t you want to be there? These people in many case risk life and limb to escape and seek out freedom and opportunity. Is that not the very embodiment of American, or at least what we think America should be?

If you go to see an Ozzy Osbourne concert, you may get to see an event that is similar to our past immigration laws. People at these concerts try and try to get on stage with Ozzy. Security Guards are positioned all around the front of the stage and almost all the time they manage to stop the concert goers from getting on stage, but every once and a while someone gets through and makes it on stage with Ozzy. I saw this happen myself, and Ozzy's reaction. He threw his arm around the guy and let him sing part of a song with him and when the guy was ready he dived back into the crowd. That is a lot like what we have been doing. We guard our stage and stop most of the body surfers on their way up to our microphone and spotlight, but when one makes it. For the most part we throw our arms around them and let them mow our lawns and pick our fruit, sing in this democracy that we love. When they are ready, they dive back into the crowd they came from, which a lot of the time they do. But that does still leave the question, if they don’t dive back into the crowd, do we let them become part of the band?

2006-03-28T08:08:00.000-06:00

I Wish I Understood

First off, let me state that I am not trying to offend anyone's beliefs or make light of them, but this is something that has been bothering me greatly and I want to get it off my chest.

A few months ago I read a story about a family who lost seven children in a crash. A car plowed into the back of the car that was carrying them and killed the children, five of whom were siblings the other two were cousins of those siblings. Upon hearing that he had lost all seven of his grandchildren, William Scott, 62, died of a massive heart attack. here is the CNN link if you are interested in reading the story.http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/26/bus.crash/index.html

The part of the story I am concerned with and the part that has not left my mind since I read it is the very end. I read a couple of versions of this story, but they all include the minister spokesman comforting the family and speaking for the family. At times like this I am dumbfounded. I just can't understand the rationale and reasoning at a time like this to concieve that there is a loving god, but these people obviously still believe and that amazes me. What amazes me even more than this is that this god they believe in took eight members of their family and they can still love him. I myself am not burden with the belief in an almighty, but I would have to believe that if I was I would hate him with every fiber in my being for letting something like this happen.

A few weeks ago I watched an episode of Bullshit!, this episode was about endangered species. On this episode there was a woman with cerebral palsy, she is wheelchair bound. She is also homeless, in a way, she lives with a friend. The reason has to do with The Endangered Species Act, but I don't want to get into all that. The friend she lives with has no downstairs bathroom, so this poor woman has to be bathed in the yard with a waterhose. I really admired the woman because she seemed so upbeat about the bad hand that life has dealt her. But once again I have not been able to get this out of my head. She is a church goer and "thanks god because things could be worse." It would appear to me that this woman is living on the threshold of hell, I don't know in what way she thinks things could be worse. I guess she could become paralyzed and comepletely unable to move, but does that mean she is thanking god because she is scared of him and what he could do to her, that is sort of like an abused woman saying,"It was my fault Randy him me, I shouldn't have talked back that way."

I am really not going anywhere with these thoughts, they have just been bothering me alot and I wanted to see if writing them would get them out of my head. I don't pretend to understand religion. I know I used to be religious, but I guess I have forgotten the mindset that brings people to the conclusions they do. I also don't pretend to know everything, if there is a god he is obviously way smarter than Brandon Collinsworth, and maybe he/she/it will have a very good reason for all these things I don't understand, but I am not holding my breath. It would appear to me that if there is a god, he is a drunk wife beater and the most prolific and disturbing torturer/serial killer ever, but then again maybe he/she/it just doesn't care at all. I don't know and I am not trying to piss on anyone's religion, I just get confused and angry when I read these things.

People of faith are for the most part good, caring, kind people. The only thing I wonder is if they ever step back and examine their beliefs objectively and maybe let the thought into their mind to wonder if maybe they are wrong. Faith and logic seem to be opposing forces and that is a shame because I think both make a person strong and if they could work together, oh what a mighty person they could create.

2006-03-20T11:55:00.000-06:00

Drugs: Our Misunderstood Friend

I am going to propose a radical idea and I know that it probably won't fly with many people, but I will ask you to bare with me and give the idea some serious thought. Let's just jump right to the idea and I can spend the rest of my time explaining my reasoning. The idea is this, all illegal narcotics should become legal. Marijuana, Heroin, Cocaine, LSD, every illegal mind and sometimes physique altering substance should be legal.

I feel that maybe I have already lost some of you, but for those that haven't completely closed their minds let me explain. Let's start with why these drugs are not legal.

They are harmful.
So are cigarettes, beer(in excess), hamburgers, and indirectly television. But yet these are all perfectly legal. Also, in some cases, Marijuana for instance, there is not one documented case of someone having died, directly, from smoking too much marijuana. In fact as levels of health, marijuana is probably less harmful than a pizza, chili dog, or taco. So obviously our obligation as a culture is not to protect citizens from themselves otherwise cigarettes, fast food, and other legal harmful substances would be made illegal and marijuana would be made legal for being virtually harmless, not totally, but in comparison to the above it is virtually harmless.

They are addictive.
Okay, why don't we just get this all out of the way. I can address this question almost exactly as I answered the one above. Yes most of them are addictive, but not all. Cigarettes, alcohol, fast food, and television are addictive too, but yet they are legal.

Who wants people in our society "high" while they drive, work, or take care of our children.
completely correct, of course I don't want anyone drunk while they drive, work, or take care of my children. That is why that is illegal, "driving under the influence", a law that actually governs not only alcohol, but also medications, prescription and over the counter. You could be arrested for driving under the influence if you have taken benadryl.

We would be empowering the criminals.
No one can actually say with 100% percent certainity but in all likelihood the opposite would happen. By legalizing these products that grow easily, are cultivated easily, and would employ more people than the porn industry the market value of these items would probably decrease. So, for starters there would be no value in selling something that could be purchased for a lower price at your 7-11. That is if they were sold there, maybe there would be specific business to sell these special items or maybe we would sell them at pharmacies.

They are just morally wrong.
That may be, but as I keep reminding people, we are not to legislate morality. If you have a moral objection to these drugs, you would have the freedom to not buy and use them. You would have the right to no longer shop at any store that decided to sell them. You would even have the freedom to protest said store. Those are your rights to offenses to your morality. You do not have the right to tell another person how they can live their life, you can tell them how they should if you feel you must, but you should not be able to force that on them.

They would take this country in the wrong direction.
I don't have any actual figures in front of me, but let's for a moment think about this. There are a large number of criminals in jail for drug possession or distrubution. It costs money to house these people, but if their crimes were no longer crimes we possibly wouldn't be housing these people. Now some, maybe even most of them, are bad people and would find ways to break the law and go to jail. I am by no means saying that a society without drugs would have no criminals, but I believe it would have less. Oh yes there would still be drug crimes, driving under the influence, drug induced crimes such as battery, theft, and rape (all of which can be found as by products of legalized alcohol and over the counter narcotics). But there would be fewer drug crimes, that are victimless crimes. If Beauragard wants to smoke a little weed at his house at night, or snort a line of coke, he is the only victim here, not me, not you, not even your kids. The money that would be saved by this reduction in prisoners and their costs could possibly raise our education standards back up to where they once were.
Also, along the same topic. There is a large amount of money that flows out of this country into the foreign countries where our drugs come from, we could keep that money and crush the druglords and the corrupt governments that overlook them. I am not saying it would actually help foreign countries, in fact it would devastate their economies for some time, but then maybe they could find their way to more constructive means of survival. On this same thought line, think of the jobs that would be created by this, farmers, gathers, and chemists. People that didn't have a moral objection to this would thrive. If America did this other countries would likely follow suit, but we would have been the first and would have a leg up. We would start exporting to these countries and every man, woman, and child in this country would flourish from the increased income.
How can all this be considered the wrong direction for our country? You still have the right to not like it, but you could reap the benefits from it. Like taxes on liquor, cigarettes, and porn, that pay for education and medical care.

Let me set the record straight on one thing though, I am not advocating drug use. If all these drugs were made legal tomorrow I would touch one of them, I have no desire or interest in having my head screwed up. In fact I think, other than creativity, these drugs are bad. But I do not pronounce myself morally superior and think that my moral judgments should be the law of the land. I have always felt that these drugs were not legal because they were uncontrollable. A person of a mind can grow and smoke marijuana they raised for themselves. That means the only way our government can make money from them is to make them illegal and fine people for using them. I don't think that would happen, for starters Americans are lazy and most people won't have house plants because they forget to water them and they die, people will pay to not do the work themselves and they are already used to paying high prices for them, so the government could tax the hell out of drugs and people would still be happy. They could also force business that want to sell them to pay a high fee for the right to sell them.

The public moral objection is valid, I don't mean to make light of that, but when you look at the facts it is hypocritical. Where do we draw the line, we outlaw drugs because of a moral objection, why not porn, why not rock-n-roll, why not alcohol. We either have to let people be free to make their own moral judgments or not. I understand that people would fear their children doing these drugs, I would myself, but children do not make up the entire population of this country, and adults should have rights to enjoy what they want too. If you are going to take away adult entertainment I demand that we shut down Disney, I have a moral objection to that crap they put out, over-charge for, and call entertainment. But even if drugs were legal they would be guarded just like alcohol, porn, and cigarettes. Would that stop kids, no not all the time, they would still get their hands on the drugs and try them, but I got bad news for you, they will anyway, I could and did in some cases. It is the job of parents to educate their kids, give them all the information so they can make an informed decision, let them know why you are against it, your moral objection, but in the end they will have to make their own decision, their own choice. Everyone though should have the right to make a choice about something that only concerns them.

I am sure many of you are unconvinced, of course I am sure that many could not be convinced no matter what argument they were presented. I totally understand that, really I do. Drugs are bad, I am not going to deny that. But like I have tried to state so are many other perfectly legal substances. People don't want to make bad things legal. I am sure that if cigarettes, alcohol, and pornography were not already legal, they wouldn't have a hope in hell of becoming legal. I think that is evident in the many new laws that are passed limiting them. Some towns in the United States have become completely smoke free where the only places you are allowed to smoke is in your own home. I have a lot to say about that kind of stuff too and maybe we will examine it later, but all I am trying to say is that we are a compassionate people. We want nothing more than to protect people, even from themselves. I think that is admirable, but I also think that goes against everything that makes America great. People should be free to choose. If they want to destroy their bodies with cigarettes, alcohol, pork ribs, or heroin, that should be their choice. Sure there would be some people would not behave responsibly, just like now. But most people would do this themselves and leave everyone else alone and behave like adults. That makes it no business of ours. What one does behind closed doors is no business of ours and if they leave it there then there is no reason it should ever be.

2006-03-09T09:34:00.000-06:00

The Real Brandon vs. The Brandon I want to be

Given the title you could be thinking this is going to be a deep self-evaluation delving into how I can make myself into a better person. But you would be wrong, this is way more shallow than that.

I weigh 265 pounds. That is over one hundred pounds heavier than my lightest adult weight. I want to say that I don't know how that happened, but that would be a lie. Now what isn't a lie is that I can't believe how much I weigh. You can't live like I do and not expect to be at least a little overweight, but 265 pounds seems too high. I eat about two meals a day, lunch and supper. I have an evening snack about two to three nights a week. The real whopper is that I drink about six or seven 12oz sodas a day. I guess what gets me more than anything is that I have such a docile lifestyle. I don't exercise at all, I do housework, cooking, cleaning, etc., but I doubt that constitutes actual exercise.

My weight is unhealthy which is important, but that is not the biggest issue with me. The biggest issue is that I don't like the way I look, and more importantly I think my opinion of myself is affecting my life. I have found myself avoiding people I haven't seen in a while. I find myself in Wal-Mart shopping, suddenly I see someone I haven't seen in five years or more. There was a time where I would have tried to get their attention to intiate a conversation, but not anymore. If I can spot them first I quickly turn down an aisle to avoid them. There is some wierd gender rule that states that you should never point out a woman's weight, but weight is the first thing you point out on a man. Back in my trim days it was, "Damn your skinny." or "You look sick." Now it is, "Somebodies eaten good.", "Maybe you ought to push yourself away from the table." or "That woman of yours is feeding you good."(which isn't true, I do almost all of the cooking). When I hear these I want to try my hardest to suck in my gut and retreat out the door to the safety of my home. I don't blame the people who make these comments, they aren't trying to be rude, they just are.

I have occassionally even thought about what if my high school has a reunion. I don't think I could go. I have always felt like a sort of failure in the eyes of those who saw me through my childhood, having my high school science teacher critique my career of choice at my sister's graduation didn't help in that regard either. But that is not why, my appearance is what would hold me back. I wouldn't want my high school chums to see me eighty pounds heavier than when we last met. There is also this degenrative tooth decay thing too that has cost me half my teeth and the ones that are left are none to attractive. But my weight is the primary thing.

I am sure all of this must seem very shallow and vain of me, and probably nothing like one would expect of me. I wish more than anything I could make it not matter to me, but it does. I could blame that on lots of things and the answer is two-fold. One, it matters to me because it matters to society, people are judged on their appearance rightly or wrongly. Two, it matters to me because of my health. In any regard I am not the healthiest person in the world and never have been, even at my thinnest. But I can feel what being overweight does to me more now than ever. I am a smoker, I have been an ex-smoker. I am over-weight and I have been underweight. I can attest to all of you that being overweight is harder than being a chain smoker. It even makes breathing hard than smoking does, believe it or not.

Okay, so the solution to my problem is easy right, eat less and exercise more. Simple. Well, the most basic retort I can give there is this, I lack the willpower. Somedays supper and getting home with my family are the only things I look forward to. I enjoy fried chicken, potato chips, pizza, hamburgers, and various other high-fat foods. So at times the choice for me almost seems a choice between the peace and health of thinness and the joy and happiness of food. After a time the animalistic urge always prevails in me. Another thing is this, I really don't have time to exercise. I know people say that all the time and they are lying. I go to school full time, I work part-time(20-25 hours a week), I have three kids(one of which is just over two months old), and I have homework to do. I barely even have time to eat, and frequently find myself doing that in front of the computer working or just before bedtime.

I always tell myself that I will get around to it. That there is plenty of time in my life and I will find the time to eat right and excercise once I have graduated and my kids are a little older. But I think I am just deluding myself. And more importantly, what if I don't have that much time, what if I drop dead of a coronary tomorrow. But, I know I can't ponder "What Ifs?', people have wasted their entire lives doing just that. I don't even know why I am writing this in my blog. Is it just because it is what is on my mind a hundred times each day or am I trying to rationize and work up my nerve. People are often reckless with their lives in their youth, don't care or think about when the end will find them. But then you have children and you realize that you want your kids to have a father, one day you hope to see them grow into fine adults, and even one day to hold your grandkids. I do not fear death, but I am in no hurry for it to find me. I don't know what will get me one day, at this point odds are in favor of the smoking or the obesisty.

So the two main things that face me are this, my self-image and my health. Neither are in good shape right now. I don't know what I am going to do about either, it is easy to say you are going to change. Saying it is the easiest thing in the world, doing it is the hard part.

2006-03-08T10:18:00.000-06:00

Fatherhood Part 2

Fatherhood found me again on January 6, 2006. I didn't ask for it or plan it and if you had asked me beforehand I would have told you that I didn't want it either, or at least wasn't ready for it yet. I like to consider myself a responsible and considerate person, but at the time sleep, study, and private time seemed more precious to me. I had always planned on having another kid, but first I wanted to get my degree and a stable, well-paying job. But plans have a way of not working out and my plan laughed and slapped me in the face for being so presumptuous.

If you are not a father, or if you were and weren't present for the birth, you will not be able to relate to what I am going to say next. With my first child I didn't plan on it either. But when I found out about the pregnancy I became excited I always knew what my son's name would be, and this would be it. I would have a boy and he would be named Logan. But alas I was being presumptuous again. I was devastated when I found out I was having a girl, that might sound petty, but it doesn't change the fact either. When my daughter, MaKayla, was born I was there. Right in the room watching it all, fascinated, if not a little disgusted too. The second I saw her head poking out a peace and excitement washed over me at the same time. I don't know about love at first sight in the instances of life partners, but I can attest personally to love at first sight in another way. When I first laid eyes on MaKayla I fell in love. She was the most beautiful and precious thing I had ever laid eyes on. That love has not wavered, shaked, or faded one iota since that moment. I love her more than I ever thought possible. But that was my first born, I was a bit apprehensive about my second born, also MaKayla was a girl and there has always been a lot said about the attachment and bond between a father and his daughter.

My second child was coming and this time it was to be a boy. The funny thing this time is I really didn't care about the sex. I learned my lesson in that regard the first time and knew it didn't matter. But I still wondered if that same feeling would sweep me away. Because it wasn't a girl would I develop this instant loving and protective bond, or would I just slap him on the butt and say stop crying like a little sissy. Most importantly could that love at first sight feeling ever be reproduced or was it a one shot deal. People become hooked on cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs in an effort to get back to that first high, the first time you inhaled a cigarette your head swam and it felt great, the first time you got drunk you felt larger than life, the first time you smoked a joint you got this feeling of the ultimate mellow, but the fact is you can never get that back, it is never as good again as it was the first time. Many people have lost their entire lives to addiction without ever coming to terms with that. Plus I wasn't ready, my life was full as it was, and I wasn't prepared mentally or physically. I was terrified inside that when I saw my son for the first time I wouldn't feel anything or maybe only a little. If that happened I just didn't know how I could live with myself, I would be racked with guilt.

When the moment occurred all the apprehension I had been feeling, all the fears I had worked to hide from everyone, everything vanished. It was replaced once again by pure, exquisite love. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I felt at that moment that I didn't ever want to leave him. I held him for the first time and just that quickly I could not longer understand why I had worried so much, why I had been so afraid. His beautiful, innocent blue eyes opened up and looked at me, or at least in my direction, and in his eyes I began to drown in the love I felt for him.

No more than seven years ago, I couldn't have envisioned myself a family man, but here I am, a wife, a step-daughter, a daughter, and a son. If you had asked me then I would have said I would make a terrible father, and the last thing I wanted was to be saddled to a family. I love my life and wouldn't trade it for any other life. At first I loved having people to come home to, to spend my life with. But it is more than that. They are my life, we are one, or as in my favorite work of literature, we are ka-tet.

The funny thing that happens after the birth of a child is that you no longer can remember what life was like before them. I can no longer remember what our life was like before Logan came into it. I almost seems as though he has always been there, and maybe in a way, he always has. All I know is I am so glad that he is here, there is so much I can't wait to show him and tell him. I have so many dreams and wishes for him, for all my kids. The strange thing is until I had my own, I didn't even like kids. Honestly, though, my saying on kids is this, "I love my kids, I just don't like yours." I have a neighborhood full of kids that drive me batty and everytime I pick up the kids from daycare I hope that none of the other children try to talk to me, because I always think I sound silly and fake when I talk to other kids, but with mine I not only can talk to them, but it feels so natural and right.

My hair, when I have any, is a little gray and thinner than it used to be. I have lines on my face and bags under my eyes. I am pretty sure that my children are the main culprits of these things too, maybe even my high blood pressure, but I would trade one gray hair, or one wrinkle for a day with my kids. Instead I think I will wear them as badges of honor for the rewarding job of raising little angels that at times act like little demons.

2006-01-23T12:21:00.000-06:00

To Be or Not To Be

Last week the Supreme Court blocked the attempts by the Bush administration to prosecute doctors in Oregon that prescribe lethal doses of prescription medication to terminally ill patients. This has brought the assisted suicide or apparently suicide of any kind back around for debate and I thought I would weigh in on the issue.

First, the Bush administration has got to stop sending me mixed signals. During his tenure President Bush did not resign the assault weapon bill keeping dangerous human killing weapons off the street. In fact, Bush has been opposed to all forms of gun legislation, but the assualt weapon ban was the strangest. The only purpose of an assualt weapon is to kill people. No one hunts deer with an AK-47. So I thought Bush was in favor of the death of American citizens. But it appears that with his attempts to block suicide, that he is only in favor of killing healthy citizens, the others just aren't sport enough.

The fact that we are even having this debate, to me, is insane. The right to die is the most basic right a human being has. How dare anyone tell me I have to go on living after I decided I don't want to. I understand the religous concerns that many people might have with this, but that plays no role here. If you have a religous belief that suicide is wrong than the simple solution is don't kill yourself. If you still feel inclined to do something more, you can let the anguishing in pain, terminally ill patient know that God still loves him and doesn't want him to end his life. But you as a theist have no right to stop this poor soul from taking his own life. Even if you believe this will ultimately earn him or her a one way ticket to hell, that is their cross to bear and not yours.

Secondly, why are the doctors being targeted here, is it just becuase it seems cruel to target the suicidal individuals. The doctors are not murdering them, they are merely letting the paitent know the most effective and painless method of terminating their lives. They are providing the means, but if that is justification for lawsuit then why did Bush block legislation a couple of years ago stating that shooting victims could not sue the gunshop or gun manufacture. Doctors have as much blame in their patients suicide as a gun shop. The main thing here being they are not putting the pills in their mouth and then holding the patients mouth and nose shut until they swallow.

Like I said, this shouldn't even be an issue, it is just people sticking their noses where they don't belong. It is just more of trying to force others to be and believe like you. If that day ever comes and I am dying of some rare and painful form of cancer I want you to know that old Brandon, doesn't like pain. So you can either give me a handful of pills or I will go buy a gun, doesn't matter much to me, but if there is no hope of recovery and I am miserable in pain, I think it would be time to bid the world adieu. Here's to hoping that day never comes though, and if it does that liberals have won this war, because personally I think taking pills would be easier than pulling the trigger.

2006-01-03T13:23:00.000-06:00

It's A Long Hard Road Out of Heavan
(continued)

Finding Peace

When we last left our hero, his faith was strong, but he was starting to question things. I had found that I couldn’t go to church, because it seemed that everytime I set foot in church I found myself in disagreement with those around me and that left me confused, at that point I didn’t understand my need for church because rather than clearing my head it just seemed to muddy the waters. So I gave up on church, I stayed home, read the Bible and prayed. I thought maybe I could have my own personal relationship with God. I thought I could stay in my little bubble and be untouched by the rest of the world, but alas that was not possible, after all I am a member of the human race, and we are social creatures.

I am a logical person, some would say a slave to logic, things have to make sense to me. I need to understand. It was apparent to me that there was something wrong with my interpretation of God and other peoples. I just couldn’t understand how God could hate gays, I couldn’t understand why God wanted us to execute people, I couldn’t understand why God would send a Buddhist to hell just for believing what he had been taught as truth his whole life. But that is what I was told by other Christians. That was apparently the God I had been praying to. Well, I realized I couldn’t pray to that God anymore, I didn’t like that God, but then again I wasn’t praying to that God anyway. When I prayed and asked God the things that were in my heart, I got the answers that I truly believed to be true.

I have always been a logical person, I have always thought about things deeply, but it has only been over the last few years that I have really started to evaluated things. To do that I had to be willing to look at everything in my life and take nothing for granted. I had spent most of my life believing there was God, even during my late teen years when I didn’t precisely believe in a Christian God, I still believe the heavens was occupied by some being. Now this is the most important part of this right here, this is the logic that kept my faith for years. Now matter where the human race and Earth came from it had to begin somewhere. Somewhere at sometime there was nothing, then there was something. So logically to me Somebody, namely a god, put something there, set something in motion. Because if there is not an eternal being to start this chain of events that begats our creation then we have a paradox friends, the “Who created the Creator” paradox, and that just isn’t logical. This one thing held my faith for years.

Over the next few years of my life I slipped into a kind of deitist view of a god. The more I evaluated and tried to make sense of the world around me the more I felt comfortable with this view. I just can not reconcile what I see in the world with a loving and caring god. A month ago I saw a nine year old boy with Proteus Syndrome on television, this poor child will not live past his twenty-fifth birthday, and the worst part is he will probably wish for death long before it finds him. This is not the act of a loving god. I also came to the realization that other than the creation hang up I have, I can’t find any other evidence of a god. Like I said I am a slave to logic. I just can’t understand the logic of asking for unquestioning faith without undeniable proof. That just doesn’t make sense to me because if God showed me his existence I would bow before him, all I ask for is a little proof. Now let us briefly revisit that night in the Pelican Inn when I was twenty. Did I mention how alone I felt? Or how it scared me? I need someone, and I can’t help, but notice that is when most people find God, when they need him. I needed to feel comforted so on a subconscious level my mind accepted God, as comfort. This is what I believe now, because it makes more sense to me.

Now if anyone would have asked me for years I would have told you I was a deitist, or maybe deitist Christian. Based on the fact that I believe there was a god of some kind just not a god involved with our daily lives. And since I didn’t know the identity of that god, that I would be just as willing to call him God as anything else. But I am beyond that now too.

The hang up for me always was that creation moment. I can’t explain it and logically a creator makes sense there, but I can’t take anything for granted so I have to accept that maybe another logical answer will come that removes a creator from that equation, I just don’t know. I also hung onto some belief because that allowed me to continue to have a belief in the afterlife. Which in the end I believe is the single biggest reason why people every join a religion. On a very deep level people don’t want to believe when they die that is it. My dad once told me an anecdote of a dialogue between a priest and an atheist. The priest says to the atheist, “Let’s say we live out our whole lives and die and your right, What have I lost? But let’s say we die and I am right, What have you lost?” Now this anecdote fed me for some time, because it just didn’t make sense to believe in nothing. But a year or so ago, I realized the answer to this question that the atheist should have said. “You sir would have lost you one chance at life.” Because if I spend my life worshipping and living by a god that doesn’t even feel the need to introduce himself to me and then I die and that’s it, I have wasted my one chance to live. Now if I was happy living under a biblical law then that would be no big deal, but I am not.

So we come to the Brandon Collinsworth of today, the atheist. I just don’t believe there is anything out there. I don’t need a god to give me strength and morals. I have morals and found that if I live by two simple rules everything works out fine. One, treat others as you would want to be treated. Two, always do what is in your best interest and the interest of those you care about as long as it doesn’t interfere with rule one. These two rules give me all I need to lead a happy life. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to piss on anyone’s religion. I think faith can be a good thing. Faith in a god helps people who are having trouble helping themselves, it helps them get off addictions, raise families, do a good job, and all those are good things. The only issues I have with religion are when it makes people feel ashamed as in the case with some homosexual who can’t help who they are attracted to, but are made to feel bad about it anyway. Or in the case where people try to interject their religion into my life or the lives of my children. As in people trying to get prayer into public schools or trying to pass amendments against gay marriage. Each person should decide on there standards themselves and let me make that decision for myself.

One last thing, this is not a cry for help. I don’t want anyone to try and save my soul. I am really not interested in that. I have found peace in my unbelief that I could never find in trying to reconcile what I knew and saw with what I was told. There is no more confusion in me, I am happy to my core. Now like I said I do get frustrated with you Christians, right now there is someone telling my daughter about God, and our oldest girl brought home a bible that was passed out to all the children at school when as she puts it, “Someone came to talk to us about God.” But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you too. We just have to learn to agree to disagree.

2005-12-16T08:33:00.000-06:00

It's A Long Hard Road Out of Heavan

Finding God

My path to finding God was unique to me, as all paths to enlightenment are unique to the traveler. It did not begin as a child with my asking God for forgiveness, then being baptized in a giant spa. It also did not begin when I was a young teen and once again found myself asking for forgiveness, for apparently I had thought that I had strayed. Sitting in the pews listening to a heart and gutwrenching sermon by Don Babin at Old Saline Baptist Church Revival. Nor did my path to enlightenment lie along the witnessing and wearing of funky Jesus clothing over the next year or so. None of these sporadic trips to church or the unquestioning belief that God was watching over were part of my discovery of God. Because traveler how can you actually discover something that you believed was there all along. No, I didn't find God until I finally started to doubt his existence.

By the age of eighteen, maybe a few years sooner I had finally begun to question God's existence. Mostly this was due to my manic depressive behavior. I had a bleak outlook at my life and the world in general. Those kinds of views do not hold well with the belief that a loving God is watching over you. I thought the world was out to get me and almost everyone hated me. I didn't really believe in God anymore, but then again I didn't exactly not believe in him. I didn't think about him much. It didn't seem that important or that big of a deal.

But what did occur to me as semi-important and strange was that until this point in my life I had never questioned the existence of the almighty. I had just accepted. I had perfect blind faith. I was told from the time I was able to speak, hear, and comprehend that God created me and everything else, and he loved me. Because this was told to me by my parents, grandparents, teachers, and other respected adults I never questioned it. Hell, I was told that just to question it was blasphemy, but I didn't even understand why someone would question it at the time. Growing up, everyone, and I mean everyone I personally knew were Christians. The only other contact I had with other lines of belief were the few pagans on TV, or Goddamn Satan Worshippers as my grandfather was fond of calling them. And what I read about other countries where Buddhism, Hinduism, or something else was prominent. I can't be sure, but if I had to guess I would say that I was well into double digits before I even realized there were other religions. I thought everyone everywhere was a Christian.

Since I had this realization of my blindfaith I have wondered just how many people have ever questioned there beliefs or have just accepted them, and I am not just talking about Christians. Because I am sure that Muslim children are subject to a similar line of thinking. How many people that are immersed in a culture just accept the dominant religion as fact because if it is the most popular it must be right?

Anyway back to my finding of God. I was twenty years old when I found him. It was a warm January night and I was laying in a bed at the Pelican Inn in Shreveport, Louisiana. The next day I would be heading off to Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri for basic training. I was absolutely terrified. I was alone. I had no idea how hard this was going to be, but I knew it would be hard and I also knew that I would have to do it alone. I didn't want to do it alone. Being alone scared me more than anything. Yes I realize I have used the word alone four times in the last five sentences. I closed my eyes and couldn't sleep because I was too wound up, too nervous. I decided then on a impulse to ask a God that I no longer really believe in to come to me and comfort me and stand with me because I couldn't handle being alone. At that moment I felt an inner peace that warmed me and calmed my pounding heart. The next morning I didn't exactly bound out of bed, but I still felt better. The entire time I was in basic I went to church and read my bible for comfort. When I got home I attempted to go to church on two occasion and realized that I wouldn't be able to, I came home on both attempts angry as hell. But my faith was strong. Over the next few years it stayed strong, but it changed a lot. I was constantly trying to reconcile what I felt in my heart, what I knew in my head, and what I would see with my eyes with God. I still continued to read my bible and for the first time in my life I really had a relationship with a God that was not based on blind faith. I didn't believe in God because I was told to, I had my own reasons to believe.

(..........To be continued)

2005-12-05T10:22:00.000-06:00

The Kids Are Alright

I had a different post in mind, but this issue came up twice in as many days in my life and now I can't get it off my mind. So I believe I will yank these thoughts out of my head and put them here. These thoughts aren't fine silver threads and this isn't a pensieve but maybe this will clear my head for finals.

Stop blaming pop culture for crazy people and bad parenting.

That is it in a nutshell, but I will elaborate. I am tired of listening to people blame the violent or uncontrolled behavior of their kids on video games, movies, television, books, and news. Now, I will make the obvious statement that people like me do and that is to say that I have enjoyed and partook in these timekillers and have never once murdered anyone, beat up random strangers, shot anyone, raped anyone, or joined a cult. With that a critic might say, "But not everyone is like you." And I would agree, some people have issues. But they did not get them from Grand Theft Auto, Quentin Tarantino, or Stephen King. These are what is sometimes known in the insurance business as pre-existing conditions. If a guy watches Natural Born Killers 21 times in a row and then goes out and murders a family, did watching Natural Born Killers 21 times in a row make him crazy or did he watch Natural Born Killers 21 times in a row because he was crazy. I realize what I might be doing here is trying to solve the chicken and egg debate, but to me you just don't watch a movie 21 times in a row if you are sane.

But I digress, we are not talking about a crazy man watching movies and then committing a crime, no what we are talking about is what kind of harm these mind numbing activities has on our children. Because our children are so much worse today than before Rockstar Gaming, Interenet Pornograpy, and Harry Potter? Or maybe our perception of them is worse? Hmmm......But that is not really the point of my post, but we will get to that too some in here and in a later post. Some of you may find this hard to believe, but the world was a violent place before Bill Gates re-invented the computer, and before Mario ever ate a shroom and stomped an oomba. Before children were running around San Andreas as CJ shooting up San Fiero, children were running around their backyards with toy guns or sometimes BB guns and shooting at each other while pretending to be Wyatt Earp, or sometimes bad guys like Jesse James or Billy the Kid. What is the rationale that says that acting out the murders of people in your backyard with friends and fake to semi fake firearms is better than acting out through someone else via a television. Now when it is put this way both sound pretty disturbing, but one of these is constantly attacked as being a horrible influence on children and one of these is the cherished childhood pasttime of cowboys and indians, or cops and robbers.

Before everyone but Steve Buscemi got a bullet in them at the end of Reservoir Dogs football was invented. It's North American incarnation came about as far back as 1861 and involved no pads and alot hitting, fighting, and injuries. Most young boys today idolize their favorite sport stars wearing jerseys or hanging posters and most people find this acceptable, hell I do. But yet we say that the mindless violence of a movie or game will corrupt their mind, but the mindless violence of a spectator sport is ok. Okay, hell alot of people think it is admirable, hell I do. Also, boxing has been around since 1891 and the sole purpose of this sport is to beat the other guy senseless, there is no pretending involved there like in a movie, the two men (or women sometimes) actually beat the shit out of each other.

Now I could keep going with these examples, it would be all to easy to point to incidences of violence in history that could have affected children. But that would just drag this out and make my post longer than necessary. The point is that violence has always been there, to scare, excite, or entice children. We as humans are fascinated by violence that is why Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jerry Bruckheimer are such big draws, and that is why they can charge $50.00 to watch a prize fight. But because a child might view these acts of violence, and if you believe it, might be influenced to commit the horrible acts they witness, should we ban and destroy all these things, should we tone it down to make it more kid friendly, or maybe, here's a crazy idea, should we be better parents?

This is the very large problem and concern for me. It seems to me that the parents that detest and protest violence, sex, and drugs in the media don't want to parent their kids thmrselves. They want all of America to be responsible and parent their kids. They don't want their children to play God of War so God of War should be banned, They don't want their children to watch South Park so they think that the rest of America shouldn't be allowed to watch South Park. Why is it my job to sacrifice for your children? Your job as a parent is to protect your child so if you have a serious problem with these things you should definitely not let your child enjoy these fine things, but this responsibilty falls to you not me. Personally I like violence, sex, and drugs in my pop culture.

Here's the thing I am getting to, growing up my mother didn't think I should watch Porky's, so you know what, she didn't let me watch Porky's. My mother didn't think I should listen to Gun's N Roses "Appetite for Destruction" so when my aunt got for me on Christmas she took it away. Do I think that Porky's or GNR would have created inappropriate thoughts or behavior? No, but my mother did, so she did her job as a parent she protected me from something she found harmful.

Now I don't believe in the "blame the parents" philosophy dispite how it sounds. I believe each person is ultimately responsible for his or hers on actions regardless of how they were raised, or what they watched. In the end each person has to stand as an individual and start thinking for themselves, but it never hurts to have a good role model and that is what a good parent can be. The point is I think for parents to be to blame then pop culture.

For those of you who have stuck it out this far I salute you. This post has not been perfectly concise or linear, but I hope that I have made my point clearly. If my next post is the one that I had originally intended on, it will be better written. But that is my problem when I get upset about something, I may make some great argument and rebutals, but they are usually jumbled.

2005-11-29T16:30:00.000-06:00

Pandora's Box

You have to ask yourself, "How much do I want to know about Brandon Michael Collinsworth?"

I don't know if this problem is unique to me or if I share it with many of you, but their is probably no one person that knows everything there is to know about me. I keep some thoughts and opinions not necessarily to myself, but away from certain people. And for those of you that plod ahead, please do not take this withholding of information personal, it is not. Maybe you were never let in on this opinion or aspect of my character because I wasn't in the mood to discuss it. Or maybe it was just simply because I knew, or thought I knew, that we would be in disagreement, and would probably never see eye to eye, and if there would be no way to make peace and compromise why bring it up. Also, maybe it was cowardice, some times even I am at a loss for words, and the hardest thing sometimes is beginning and could never get the first words out of my mouth.

But this blog will be my chance to get these things off of my chest and share them with you. It is bad and counter productive to keep things bottled up, and maybe I have been doing too much of that lately. But remember you have been warned. If you don't want to know what goes on behind these hazel eyes don't come back here. If you are worried that finding out more about me may hurt your opinion of me, maybe you should look away. Now, please don't mistake my intentions, I don't want it to sound as if I don't want anyone to read. Because I want everyone to read, otherwise why would I post it online. But I don't want to be attacked for what I think or believe, and I don't want to lose any friends over differences of opinions.

That being said I hope that each and everyone of you will be back to read my next post. I plan on keying off on something that I have kept bottled up to all but a few. So join me for the journey and open the box if you dare.