It's A Long Hard Road Out of Heavan
Finding God
My path to finding God was unique to me, as all paths to enlightenment are unique to the traveler. It did not begin as a child with my asking God for forgiveness, then being baptized in a giant spa. It also did not begin when I was a young teen and once again found myself asking for forgiveness, for apparently I had thought that I had strayed. Sitting in the pews listening to a heart and gutwrenching sermon by Don Babin at Old Saline Baptist Church Revival. Nor did my path to enlightenment lie along the witnessing and wearing of funky Jesus clothing over the next year or so. None of these sporadic trips to church or the unquestioning belief that God was watching over were part of my discovery of God. Because traveler how can you actually discover something that you believed was there all along. No, I didn't find God until I finally started to doubt his existence.
By the age of eighteen, maybe a few years sooner I had finally begun to question God's existence. Mostly this was due to my manic depressive behavior. I had a bleak outlook at my life and the world in general. Those kinds of views do not hold well with the belief that a loving God is watching over you. I thought the world was out to get me and almost everyone hated me. I didn't really believe in God anymore, but then again I didn't exactly not believe in him. I didn't think about him much. It didn't seem that important or that big of a deal.
But what did occur to me as semi-important and strange was that until this point in my life I had never questioned the existence of the almighty. I had just accepted. I had perfect blind faith. I was told from the time I was able to speak, hear, and comprehend that God created me and everything else, and he loved me. Because this was told to me by my parents, grandparents, teachers, and other respected adults I never questioned it. Hell, I was told that just to question it was blasphemy, but I didn't even understand why someone would question it at the time. Growing up, everyone, and I mean everyone I personally knew were Christians. The only other contact I had with other lines of belief were the few pagans on TV, or Goddamn Satan Worshippers as my grandfather was fond of calling them. And what I read about other countries where Buddhism, Hinduism, or something else was prominent. I can't be sure, but if I had to guess I would say that I was well into double digits before I even realized there were other religions. I thought everyone everywhere was a Christian.
Since I had this realization of my blindfaith I have wondered just how many people have ever questioned there beliefs or have just accepted them, and I am not just talking about Christians. Because I am sure that Muslim children are subject to a similar line of thinking. How many people that are immersed in a culture just accept the dominant religion as fact because if it is the most popular it must be right?
Anyway back to my finding of God. I was twenty years old when I found him. It was a warm January night and I was laying in a bed at the Pelican Inn in Shreveport, Louisiana. The next day I would be heading off to Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri for basic training. I was absolutely terrified. I was alone. I had no idea how hard this was going to be, but I knew it would be hard and I also knew that I would have to do it alone. I didn't want to do it alone. Being alone scared me more than anything. Yes I realize I have used the word alone four times in the last five sentences. I closed my eyes and couldn't sleep because I was too wound up, too nervous. I decided then on a impulse to ask a God that I no longer really believe in to come to me and comfort me and stand with me because I couldn't handle being alone. At that moment I felt an inner peace that warmed me and calmed my pounding heart. The next morning I didn't exactly bound out of bed, but I still felt better. The entire time I was in basic I went to church and read my bible for comfort. When I got home I attempted to go to church on two occasion and realized that I wouldn't be able to, I came home on both attempts angry as hell. But my faith was strong. Over the next few years it stayed strong, but it changed a lot. I was constantly trying to reconcile what I felt in my heart, what I knew in my head, and what I would see with my eyes with God. I still continued to read my bible and for the first time in my life I really had a relationship with a God that was not based on blind faith. I didn't believe in God because I was told to, I had my own reasons to believe.
(..........To be continued)
Finding God
My path to finding God was unique to me, as all paths to enlightenment are unique to the traveler. It did not begin as a child with my asking God for forgiveness, then being baptized in a giant spa. It also did not begin when I was a young teen and once again found myself asking for forgiveness, for apparently I had thought that I had strayed. Sitting in the pews listening to a heart and gutwrenching sermon by Don Babin at Old Saline Baptist Church Revival. Nor did my path to enlightenment lie along the witnessing and wearing of funky Jesus clothing over the next year or so. None of these sporadic trips to church or the unquestioning belief that God was watching over were part of my discovery of God. Because traveler how can you actually discover something that you believed was there all along. No, I didn't find God until I finally started to doubt his existence.
By the age of eighteen, maybe a few years sooner I had finally begun to question God's existence. Mostly this was due to my manic depressive behavior. I had a bleak outlook at my life and the world in general. Those kinds of views do not hold well with the belief that a loving God is watching over you. I thought the world was out to get me and almost everyone hated me. I didn't really believe in God anymore, but then again I didn't exactly not believe in him. I didn't think about him much. It didn't seem that important or that big of a deal.
But what did occur to me as semi-important and strange was that until this point in my life I had never questioned the existence of the almighty. I had just accepted. I had perfect blind faith. I was told from the time I was able to speak, hear, and comprehend that God created me and everything else, and he loved me. Because this was told to me by my parents, grandparents, teachers, and other respected adults I never questioned it. Hell, I was told that just to question it was blasphemy, but I didn't even understand why someone would question it at the time. Growing up, everyone, and I mean everyone I personally knew were Christians. The only other contact I had with other lines of belief were the few pagans on TV, or Goddamn Satan Worshippers as my grandfather was fond of calling them. And what I read about other countries where Buddhism, Hinduism, or something else was prominent. I can't be sure, but if I had to guess I would say that I was well into double digits before I even realized there were other religions. I thought everyone everywhere was a Christian.
Since I had this realization of my blindfaith I have wondered just how many people have ever questioned there beliefs or have just accepted them, and I am not just talking about Christians. Because I am sure that Muslim children are subject to a similar line of thinking. How many people that are immersed in a culture just accept the dominant religion as fact because if it is the most popular it must be right?
Anyway back to my finding of God. I was twenty years old when I found him. It was a warm January night and I was laying in a bed at the Pelican Inn in Shreveport, Louisiana. The next day I would be heading off to Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri for basic training. I was absolutely terrified. I was alone. I had no idea how hard this was going to be, but I knew it would be hard and I also knew that I would have to do it alone. I didn't want to do it alone. Being alone scared me more than anything. Yes I realize I have used the word alone four times in the last five sentences. I closed my eyes and couldn't sleep because I was too wound up, too nervous. I decided then on a impulse to ask a God that I no longer really believe in to come to me and comfort me and stand with me because I couldn't handle being alone. At that moment I felt an inner peace that warmed me and calmed my pounding heart. The next morning I didn't exactly bound out of bed, but I still felt better. The entire time I was in basic I went to church and read my bible for comfort. When I got home I attempted to go to church on two occasion and realized that I wouldn't be able to, I came home on both attempts angry as hell. But my faith was strong. Over the next few years it stayed strong, but it changed a lot. I was constantly trying to reconcile what I felt in my heart, what I knew in my head, and what I would see with my eyes with God. I still continued to read my bible and for the first time in my life I really had a relationship with a God that was not based on blind faith. I didn't believe in God because I was told to, I had my own reasons to believe.
(..........To be continued)
posted by Brandon Michael Collinsworth at 8:33 AM
1 Comments:
Hey that Don Babin you mentioned is that the Don Babin that is married to Michelle with sons Juston and Carmen. If it is I would really like to talk to him again. Haven't heard from him in ages. He was a preacher.
Jimmy Green
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