Fatherhood Part 2

Fatherhood found me again on January 6, 2006. I didn't ask for it or plan it and if you had asked me beforehand I would have told you that I didn't want it either, or at least wasn't ready for it yet. I like to consider myself a responsible and considerate person, but at the time sleep, study, and private time seemed more precious to me. I had always planned on having another kid, but first I wanted to get my degree and a stable, well-paying job. But plans have a way of not working out and my plan laughed and slapped me in the face for being so presumptuous.

If you are not a father, or if you were and weren't present for the birth, you will not be able to relate to what I am going to say next. With my first child I didn't plan on it either. But when I found out about the pregnancy I became excited I always knew what my son's name would be, and this would be it. I would have a boy and he would be named Logan. But alas I was being presumptuous again. I was devastated when I found out I was having a girl, that might sound petty, but it doesn't change the fact either. When my daughter, MaKayla, was born I was there. Right in the room watching it all, fascinated, if not a little disgusted too. The second I saw her head poking out a peace and excitement washed over me at the same time. I don't know about love at first sight in the instances of life partners, but I can attest personally to love at first sight in another way. When I first laid eyes on MaKayla I fell in love. She was the most beautiful and precious thing I had ever laid eyes on. That love has not wavered, shaked, or faded one iota since that moment. I love her more than I ever thought possible. But that was my first born, I was a bit apprehensive about my second born, also MaKayla was a girl and there has always been a lot said about the attachment and bond between a father and his daughter.

My second child was coming and this time it was to be a boy. The funny thing this time is I really didn't care about the sex. I learned my lesson in that regard the first time and knew it didn't matter. But I still wondered if that same feeling would sweep me away. Because it wasn't a girl would I develop this instant loving and protective bond, or would I just slap him on the butt and say stop crying like a little sissy. Most importantly could that love at first sight feeling ever be reproduced or was it a one shot deal. People become hooked on cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs in an effort to get back to that first high, the first time you inhaled a cigarette your head swam and it felt great, the first time you got drunk you felt larger than life, the first time you smoked a joint you got this feeling of the ultimate mellow, but the fact is you can never get that back, it is never as good again as it was the first time. Many people have lost their entire lives to addiction without ever coming to terms with that. Plus I wasn't ready, my life was full as it was, and I wasn't prepared mentally or physically. I was terrified inside that when I saw my son for the first time I wouldn't feel anything or maybe only a little. If that happened I just didn't know how I could live with myself, I would be racked with guilt.

When the moment occurred all the apprehension I had been feeling, all the fears I had worked to hide from everyone, everything vanished. It was replaced once again by pure, exquisite love. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I felt at that moment that I didn't ever want to leave him. I held him for the first time and just that quickly I could not longer understand why I had worried so much, why I had been so afraid. His beautiful, innocent blue eyes opened up and looked at me, or at least in my direction, and in his eyes I began to drown in the love I felt for him.

No more than seven years ago, I couldn't have envisioned myself a family man, but here I am, a wife, a step-daughter, a daughter, and a son. If you had asked me then I would have said I would make a terrible father, and the last thing I wanted was to be saddled to a family. I love my life and wouldn't trade it for any other life. At first I loved having people to come home to, to spend my life with. But it is more than that. They are my life, we are one, or as in my favorite work of literature, we are ka-tet.

The funny thing that happens after the birth of a child is that you no longer can remember what life was like before them. I can no longer remember what our life was like before Logan came into it. I almost seems as though he has always been there, and maybe in a way, he always has. All I know is I am so glad that he is here, there is so much I can't wait to show him and tell him. I have so many dreams and wishes for him, for all my kids. The strange thing is until I had my own, I didn't even like kids. Honestly, though, my saying on kids is this, "I love my kids, I just don't like yours." I have a neighborhood full of kids that drive me batty and everytime I pick up the kids from daycare I hope that none of the other children try to talk to me, because I always think I sound silly and fake when I talk to other kids, but with mine I not only can talk to them, but it feels so natural and right.

My hair, when I have any, is a little gray and thinner than it used to be. I have lines on my face and bags under my eyes. I am pretty sure that my children are the main culprits of these things too, maybe even my high blood pressure, but I would trade one gray hair, or one wrinkle for a day with my kids. Instead I think I will wear them as badges of honor for the rewarding job of raising little angels that at times act like little demons.