I Wish I Understood

First off, let me state that I am not trying to offend anyone's beliefs or make light of them, but this is something that has been bothering me greatly and I want to get it off my chest.

A few months ago I read a story about a family who lost seven children in a crash. A car plowed into the back of the car that was carrying them and killed the children, five of whom were siblings the other two were cousins of those siblings. Upon hearing that he had lost all seven of his grandchildren, William Scott, 62, died of a massive heart attack. here is the CNN link if you are interested in reading the story.http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/26/bus.crash/index.html

The part of the story I am concerned with and the part that has not left my mind since I read it is the very end. I read a couple of versions of this story, but they all include the minister spokesman comforting the family and speaking for the family. At times like this I am dumbfounded. I just can't understand the rationale and reasoning at a time like this to concieve that there is a loving god, but these people obviously still believe and that amazes me. What amazes me even more than this is that this god they believe in took eight members of their family and they can still love him. I myself am not burden with the belief in an almighty, but I would have to believe that if I was I would hate him with every fiber in my being for letting something like this happen.

A few weeks ago I watched an episode of Bullshit!, this episode was about endangered species. On this episode there was a woman with cerebral palsy, she is wheelchair bound. She is also homeless, in a way, she lives with a friend. The reason has to do with The Endangered Species Act, but I don't want to get into all that. The friend she lives with has no downstairs bathroom, so this poor woman has to be bathed in the yard with a waterhose. I really admired the woman because she seemed so upbeat about the bad hand that life has dealt her. But once again I have not been able to get this out of my head. She is a church goer and "thanks god because things could be worse." It would appear to me that this woman is living on the threshold of hell, I don't know in what way she thinks things could be worse. I guess she could become paralyzed and comepletely unable to move, but does that mean she is thanking god because she is scared of him and what he could do to her, that is sort of like an abused woman saying,"It was my fault Randy him me, I shouldn't have talked back that way."

I am really not going anywhere with these thoughts, they have just been bothering me alot and I wanted to see if writing them would get them out of my head. I don't pretend to understand religion. I know I used to be religious, but I guess I have forgotten the mindset that brings people to the conclusions they do. I also don't pretend to know everything, if there is a god he is obviously way smarter than Brandon Collinsworth, and maybe he/she/it will have a very good reason for all these things I don't understand, but I am not holding my breath. It would appear to me that if there is a god, he is a drunk wife beater and the most prolific and disturbing torturer/serial killer ever, but then again maybe he/she/it just doesn't care at all. I don't know and I am not trying to piss on anyone's religion, I just get confused and angry when I read these things.

People of faith are for the most part good, caring, kind people. The only thing I wonder is if they ever step back and examine their beliefs objectively and maybe let the thought into their mind to wonder if maybe they are wrong. Faith and logic seem to be opposing forces and that is a shame because I think both make a person strong and if they could work together, oh what a mighty person they could create.

Drugs: Our Misunderstood Friend

I am going to propose a radical idea and I know that it probably won't fly with many people, but I will ask you to bare with me and give the idea some serious thought. Let's just jump right to the idea and I can spend the rest of my time explaining my reasoning. The idea is this, all illegal narcotics should become legal. Marijuana, Heroin, Cocaine, LSD, every illegal mind and sometimes physique altering substance should be legal.

I feel that maybe I have already lost some of you, but for those that haven't completely closed their minds let me explain. Let's start with why these drugs are not legal.

They are harmful.
So are cigarettes, beer(in excess), hamburgers, and indirectly television. But yet these are all perfectly legal. Also, in some cases, Marijuana for instance, there is not one documented case of someone having died, directly, from smoking too much marijuana. In fact as levels of health, marijuana is probably less harmful than a pizza, chili dog, or taco. So obviously our obligation as a culture is not to protect citizens from themselves otherwise cigarettes, fast food, and other legal harmful substances would be made illegal and marijuana would be made legal for being virtually harmless, not totally, but in comparison to the above it is virtually harmless.

They are addictive.
Okay, why don't we just get this all out of the way. I can address this question almost exactly as I answered the one above. Yes most of them are addictive, but not all. Cigarettes, alcohol, fast food, and television are addictive too, but yet they are legal.

Who wants people in our society "high" while they drive, work, or take care of our children.
completely correct, of course I don't want anyone drunk while they drive, work, or take care of my children. That is why that is illegal, "driving under the influence", a law that actually governs not only alcohol, but also medications, prescription and over the counter. You could be arrested for driving under the influence if you have taken benadryl.

We would be empowering the criminals.
No one can actually say with 100% percent certainity but in all likelihood the opposite would happen. By legalizing these products that grow easily, are cultivated easily, and would employ more people than the porn industry the market value of these items would probably decrease. So, for starters there would be no value in selling something that could be purchased for a lower price at your 7-11. That is if they were sold there, maybe there would be specific business to sell these special items or maybe we would sell them at pharmacies.

They are just morally wrong.
That may be, but as I keep reminding people, we are not to legislate morality. If you have a moral objection to these drugs, you would have the freedom to not buy and use them. You would have the right to no longer shop at any store that decided to sell them. You would even have the freedom to protest said store. Those are your rights to offenses to your morality. You do not have the right to tell another person how they can live their life, you can tell them how they should if you feel you must, but you should not be able to force that on them.

They would take this country in the wrong direction.
I don't have any actual figures in front of me, but let's for a moment think about this. There are a large number of criminals in jail for drug possession or distrubution. It costs money to house these people, but if their crimes were no longer crimes we possibly wouldn't be housing these people. Now some, maybe even most of them, are bad people and would find ways to break the law and go to jail. I am by no means saying that a society without drugs would have no criminals, but I believe it would have less. Oh yes there would still be drug crimes, driving under the influence, drug induced crimes such as battery, theft, and rape (all of which can be found as by products of legalized alcohol and over the counter narcotics). But there would be fewer drug crimes, that are victimless crimes. If Beauragard wants to smoke a little weed at his house at night, or snort a line of coke, he is the only victim here, not me, not you, not even your kids. The money that would be saved by this reduction in prisoners and their costs could possibly raise our education standards back up to where they once were.
Also, along the same topic. There is a large amount of money that flows out of this country into the foreign countries where our drugs come from, we could keep that money and crush the druglords and the corrupt governments that overlook them. I am not saying it would actually help foreign countries, in fact it would devastate their economies for some time, but then maybe they could find their way to more constructive means of survival. On this same thought line, think of the jobs that would be created by this, farmers, gathers, and chemists. People that didn't have a moral objection to this would thrive. If America did this other countries would likely follow suit, but we would have been the first and would have a leg up. We would start exporting to these countries and every man, woman, and child in this country would flourish from the increased income.
How can all this be considered the wrong direction for our country? You still have the right to not like it, but you could reap the benefits from it. Like taxes on liquor, cigarettes, and porn, that pay for education and medical care.

Let me set the record straight on one thing though, I am not advocating drug use. If all these drugs were made legal tomorrow I would touch one of them, I have no desire or interest in having my head screwed up. In fact I think, other than creativity, these drugs are bad. But I do not pronounce myself morally superior and think that my moral judgments should be the law of the land. I have always felt that these drugs were not legal because they were uncontrollable. A person of a mind can grow and smoke marijuana they raised for themselves. That means the only way our government can make money from them is to make them illegal and fine people for using them. I don't think that would happen, for starters Americans are lazy and most people won't have house plants because they forget to water them and they die, people will pay to not do the work themselves and they are already used to paying high prices for them, so the government could tax the hell out of drugs and people would still be happy. They could also force business that want to sell them to pay a high fee for the right to sell them.

The public moral objection is valid, I don't mean to make light of that, but when you look at the facts it is hypocritical. Where do we draw the line, we outlaw drugs because of a moral objection, why not porn, why not rock-n-roll, why not alcohol. We either have to let people be free to make their own moral judgments or not. I understand that people would fear their children doing these drugs, I would myself, but children do not make up the entire population of this country, and adults should have rights to enjoy what they want too. If you are going to take away adult entertainment I demand that we shut down Disney, I have a moral objection to that crap they put out, over-charge for, and call entertainment. But even if drugs were legal they would be guarded just like alcohol, porn, and cigarettes. Would that stop kids, no not all the time, they would still get their hands on the drugs and try them, but I got bad news for you, they will anyway, I could and did in some cases. It is the job of parents to educate their kids, give them all the information so they can make an informed decision, let them know why you are against it, your moral objection, but in the end they will have to make their own decision, their own choice. Everyone though should have the right to make a choice about something that only concerns them.

I am sure many of you are unconvinced, of course I am sure that many could not be convinced no matter what argument they were presented. I totally understand that, really I do. Drugs are bad, I am not going to deny that. But like I have tried to state so are many other perfectly legal substances. People don't want to make bad things legal. I am sure that if cigarettes, alcohol, and pornography were not already legal, they wouldn't have a hope in hell of becoming legal. I think that is evident in the many new laws that are passed limiting them. Some towns in the United States have become completely smoke free where the only places you are allowed to smoke is in your own home. I have a lot to say about that kind of stuff too and maybe we will examine it later, but all I am trying to say is that we are a compassionate people. We want nothing more than to protect people, even from themselves. I think that is admirable, but I also think that goes against everything that makes America great. People should be free to choose. If they want to destroy their bodies with cigarettes, alcohol, pork ribs, or heroin, that should be their choice. Sure there would be some people would not behave responsibly, just like now. But most people would do this themselves and leave everyone else alone and behave like adults. That makes it no business of ours. What one does behind closed doors is no business of ours and if they leave it there then there is no reason it should ever be.

The Real Brandon vs. The Brandon I want to be

Given the title you could be thinking this is going to be a deep self-evaluation delving into how I can make myself into a better person. But you would be wrong, this is way more shallow than that.

I weigh 265 pounds. That is over one hundred pounds heavier than my lightest adult weight. I want to say that I don't know how that happened, but that would be a lie. Now what isn't a lie is that I can't believe how much I weigh. You can't live like I do and not expect to be at least a little overweight, but 265 pounds seems too high. I eat about two meals a day, lunch and supper. I have an evening snack about two to three nights a week. The real whopper is that I drink about six or seven 12oz sodas a day. I guess what gets me more than anything is that I have such a docile lifestyle. I don't exercise at all, I do housework, cooking, cleaning, etc., but I doubt that constitutes actual exercise.

My weight is unhealthy which is important, but that is not the biggest issue with me. The biggest issue is that I don't like the way I look, and more importantly I think my opinion of myself is affecting my life. I have found myself avoiding people I haven't seen in a while. I find myself in Wal-Mart shopping, suddenly I see someone I haven't seen in five years or more. There was a time where I would have tried to get their attention to intiate a conversation, but not anymore. If I can spot them first I quickly turn down an aisle to avoid them. There is some wierd gender rule that states that you should never point out a woman's weight, but weight is the first thing you point out on a man. Back in my trim days it was, "Damn your skinny." or "You look sick." Now it is, "Somebodies eaten good.", "Maybe you ought to push yourself away from the table." or "That woman of yours is feeding you good."(which isn't true, I do almost all of the cooking). When I hear these I want to try my hardest to suck in my gut and retreat out the door to the safety of my home. I don't blame the people who make these comments, they aren't trying to be rude, they just are.

I have occassionally even thought about what if my high school has a reunion. I don't think I could go. I have always felt like a sort of failure in the eyes of those who saw me through my childhood, having my high school science teacher critique my career of choice at my sister's graduation didn't help in that regard either. But that is not why, my appearance is what would hold me back. I wouldn't want my high school chums to see me eighty pounds heavier than when we last met. There is also this degenrative tooth decay thing too that has cost me half my teeth and the ones that are left are none to attractive. But my weight is the primary thing.

I am sure all of this must seem very shallow and vain of me, and probably nothing like one would expect of me. I wish more than anything I could make it not matter to me, but it does. I could blame that on lots of things and the answer is two-fold. One, it matters to me because it matters to society, people are judged on their appearance rightly or wrongly. Two, it matters to me because of my health. In any regard I am not the healthiest person in the world and never have been, even at my thinnest. But I can feel what being overweight does to me more now than ever. I am a smoker, I have been an ex-smoker. I am over-weight and I have been underweight. I can attest to all of you that being overweight is harder than being a chain smoker. It even makes breathing hard than smoking does, believe it or not.

Okay, so the solution to my problem is easy right, eat less and exercise more. Simple. Well, the most basic retort I can give there is this, I lack the willpower. Somedays supper and getting home with my family are the only things I look forward to. I enjoy fried chicken, potato chips, pizza, hamburgers, and various other high-fat foods. So at times the choice for me almost seems a choice between the peace and health of thinness and the joy and happiness of food. After a time the animalistic urge always prevails in me. Another thing is this, I really don't have time to exercise. I know people say that all the time and they are lying. I go to school full time, I work part-time(20-25 hours a week), I have three kids(one of which is just over two months old), and I have homework to do. I barely even have time to eat, and frequently find myself doing that in front of the computer working or just before bedtime.

I always tell myself that I will get around to it. That there is plenty of time in my life and I will find the time to eat right and excercise once I have graduated and my kids are a little older. But I think I am just deluding myself. And more importantly, what if I don't have that much time, what if I drop dead of a coronary tomorrow. But, I know I can't ponder "What Ifs?', people have wasted their entire lives doing just that. I don't even know why I am writing this in my blog. Is it just because it is what is on my mind a hundred times each day or am I trying to rationize and work up my nerve. People are often reckless with their lives in their youth, don't care or think about when the end will find them. But then you have children and you realize that you want your kids to have a father, one day you hope to see them grow into fine adults, and even one day to hold your grandkids. I do not fear death, but I am in no hurry for it to find me. I don't know what will get me one day, at this point odds are in favor of the smoking or the obesisty.

So the two main things that face me are this, my self-image and my health. Neither are in good shape right now. I don't know what I am going to do about either, it is easy to say you are going to change. Saying it is the easiest thing in the world, doing it is the hard part.

Fatherhood Part 2

Fatherhood found me again on January 6, 2006. I didn't ask for it or plan it and if you had asked me beforehand I would have told you that I didn't want it either, or at least wasn't ready for it yet. I like to consider myself a responsible and considerate person, but at the time sleep, study, and private time seemed more precious to me. I had always planned on having another kid, but first I wanted to get my degree and a stable, well-paying job. But plans have a way of not working out and my plan laughed and slapped me in the face for being so presumptuous.

If you are not a father, or if you were and weren't present for the birth, you will not be able to relate to what I am going to say next. With my first child I didn't plan on it either. But when I found out about the pregnancy I became excited I always knew what my son's name would be, and this would be it. I would have a boy and he would be named Logan. But alas I was being presumptuous again. I was devastated when I found out I was having a girl, that might sound petty, but it doesn't change the fact either. When my daughter, MaKayla, was born I was there. Right in the room watching it all, fascinated, if not a little disgusted too. The second I saw her head poking out a peace and excitement washed over me at the same time. I don't know about love at first sight in the instances of life partners, but I can attest personally to love at first sight in another way. When I first laid eyes on MaKayla I fell in love. She was the most beautiful and precious thing I had ever laid eyes on. That love has not wavered, shaked, or faded one iota since that moment. I love her more than I ever thought possible. But that was my first born, I was a bit apprehensive about my second born, also MaKayla was a girl and there has always been a lot said about the attachment and bond between a father and his daughter.

My second child was coming and this time it was to be a boy. The funny thing this time is I really didn't care about the sex. I learned my lesson in that regard the first time and knew it didn't matter. But I still wondered if that same feeling would sweep me away. Because it wasn't a girl would I develop this instant loving and protective bond, or would I just slap him on the butt and say stop crying like a little sissy. Most importantly could that love at first sight feeling ever be reproduced or was it a one shot deal. People become hooked on cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs in an effort to get back to that first high, the first time you inhaled a cigarette your head swam and it felt great, the first time you got drunk you felt larger than life, the first time you smoked a joint you got this feeling of the ultimate mellow, but the fact is you can never get that back, it is never as good again as it was the first time. Many people have lost their entire lives to addiction without ever coming to terms with that. Plus I wasn't ready, my life was full as it was, and I wasn't prepared mentally or physically. I was terrified inside that when I saw my son for the first time I wouldn't feel anything or maybe only a little. If that happened I just didn't know how I could live with myself, I would be racked with guilt.

When the moment occurred all the apprehension I had been feeling, all the fears I had worked to hide from everyone, everything vanished. It was replaced once again by pure, exquisite love. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I felt at that moment that I didn't ever want to leave him. I held him for the first time and just that quickly I could not longer understand why I had worried so much, why I had been so afraid. His beautiful, innocent blue eyes opened up and looked at me, or at least in my direction, and in his eyes I began to drown in the love I felt for him.

No more than seven years ago, I couldn't have envisioned myself a family man, but here I am, a wife, a step-daughter, a daughter, and a son. If you had asked me then I would have said I would make a terrible father, and the last thing I wanted was to be saddled to a family. I love my life and wouldn't trade it for any other life. At first I loved having people to come home to, to spend my life with. But it is more than that. They are my life, we are one, or as in my favorite work of literature, we are ka-tet.

The funny thing that happens after the birth of a child is that you no longer can remember what life was like before them. I can no longer remember what our life was like before Logan came into it. I almost seems as though he has always been there, and maybe in a way, he always has. All I know is I am so glad that he is here, there is so much I can't wait to show him and tell him. I have so many dreams and wishes for him, for all my kids. The strange thing is until I had my own, I didn't even like kids. Honestly, though, my saying on kids is this, "I love my kids, I just don't like yours." I have a neighborhood full of kids that drive me batty and everytime I pick up the kids from daycare I hope that none of the other children try to talk to me, because I always think I sound silly and fake when I talk to other kids, but with mine I not only can talk to them, but it feels so natural and right.

My hair, when I have any, is a little gray and thinner than it used to be. I have lines on my face and bags under my eyes. I am pretty sure that my children are the main culprits of these things too, maybe even my high blood pressure, but I would trade one gray hair, or one wrinkle for a day with my kids. Instead I think I will wear them as badges of honor for the rewarding job of raising little angels that at times act like little demons.