The Real Brandon vs. The Brandon I want to be
Given the title you could be thinking this is going to be a deep self-evaluation delving into how I can make myself into a better person. But you would be wrong, this is way more shallow than that.
I weigh 265 pounds. That is over one hundred pounds heavier than my lightest adult weight. I want to say that I don't know how that happened, but that would be a lie. Now what isn't a lie is that I can't believe how much I weigh. You can't live like I do and not expect to be at least a little overweight, but 265 pounds seems too high. I eat about two meals a day, lunch and supper. I have an evening snack about two to three nights a week. The real whopper is that I drink about six or seven 12oz sodas a day. I guess what gets me more than anything is that I have such a docile lifestyle. I don't exercise at all, I do housework, cooking, cleaning, etc., but I doubt that constitutes actual exercise.
My weight is unhealthy which is important, but that is not the biggest issue with me. The biggest issue is that I don't like the way I look, and more importantly I think my opinion of myself is affecting my life. I have found myself avoiding people I haven't seen in a while. I find myself in Wal-Mart shopping, suddenly I see someone I haven't seen in five years or more. There was a time where I would have tried to get their attention to intiate a conversation, but not anymore. If I can spot them first I quickly turn down an aisle to avoid them. There is some wierd gender rule that states that you should never point out a woman's weight, but weight is the first thing you point out on a man. Back in my trim days it was, "Damn your skinny." or "You look sick." Now it is, "Somebodies eaten good.", "Maybe you ought to push yourself away from the table." or "That woman of yours is feeding you good."(which isn't true, I do almost all of the cooking). When I hear these I want to try my hardest to suck in my gut and retreat out the door to the safety of my home. I don't blame the people who make these comments, they aren't trying to be rude, they just are.
I have occassionally even thought about what if my high school has a reunion. I don't think I could go. I have always felt like a sort of failure in the eyes of those who saw me through my childhood, having my high school science teacher critique my career of choice at my sister's graduation didn't help in that regard either. But that is not why, my appearance is what would hold me back. I wouldn't want my high school chums to see me eighty pounds heavier than when we last met. There is also this degenrative tooth decay thing too that has cost me half my teeth and the ones that are left are none to attractive. But my weight is the primary thing.
Given the title you could be thinking this is going to be a deep self-evaluation delving into how I can make myself into a better person. But you would be wrong, this is way more shallow than that.
I weigh 265 pounds. That is over one hundred pounds heavier than my lightest adult weight. I want to say that I don't know how that happened, but that would be a lie. Now what isn't a lie is that I can't believe how much I weigh. You can't live like I do and not expect to be at least a little overweight, but 265 pounds seems too high. I eat about two meals a day, lunch and supper. I have an evening snack about two to three nights a week. The real whopper is that I drink about six or seven 12oz sodas a day. I guess what gets me more than anything is that I have such a docile lifestyle. I don't exercise at all, I do housework, cooking, cleaning, etc., but I doubt that constitutes actual exercise.
My weight is unhealthy which is important, but that is not the biggest issue with me. The biggest issue is that I don't like the way I look, and more importantly I think my opinion of myself is affecting my life. I have found myself avoiding people I haven't seen in a while. I find myself in Wal-Mart shopping, suddenly I see someone I haven't seen in five years or more. There was a time where I would have tried to get their attention to intiate a conversation, but not anymore. If I can spot them first I quickly turn down an aisle to avoid them. There is some wierd gender rule that states that you should never point out a woman's weight, but weight is the first thing you point out on a man. Back in my trim days it was, "Damn your skinny." or "You look sick." Now it is, "Somebodies eaten good.", "Maybe you ought to push yourself away from the table." or "That woman of yours is feeding you good."(which isn't true, I do almost all of the cooking). When I hear these I want to try my hardest to suck in my gut and retreat out the door to the safety of my home. I don't blame the people who make these comments, they aren't trying to be rude, they just are.
I have occassionally even thought about what if my high school has a reunion. I don't think I could go. I have always felt like a sort of failure in the eyes of those who saw me through my childhood, having my high school science teacher critique my career of choice at my sister's graduation didn't help in that regard either. But that is not why, my appearance is what would hold me back. I wouldn't want my high school chums to see me eighty pounds heavier than when we last met. There is also this degenrative tooth decay thing too that has cost me half my teeth and the ones that are left are none to attractive. But my weight is the primary thing.
I am sure all of this must seem very shallow and vain of me, and probably nothing like one would expect of me. I wish more than anything I could make it not matter to me, but it does. I could blame that on lots of things and the answer is two-fold. One, it matters to me because it matters to society, people are judged on their appearance rightly or wrongly. Two, it matters to me because of my health. In any regard I am not the healthiest person in the world and never have been, even at my thinnest. But I can feel what being overweight does to me more now than ever. I am a smoker, I have been an ex-smoker. I am over-weight and I have been underweight. I can attest to all of you that being overweight is harder than being a chain smoker. It even makes breathing hard than smoking does, believe it or not.
Okay, so the solution to my problem is easy right, eat less and exercise more. Simple. Well, the most basic retort I can give there is this, I lack the willpower. Somedays supper and getting home with my family are the only things I look forward to. I enjoy fried chicken, potato chips, pizza, hamburgers, and various other high-fat foods. So at times the choice for me almost seems a choice between the peace and health of thinness and the joy and happiness of food. After a time the animalistic urge always prevails in me. Another thing is this, I really don't have time to exercise. I know people say that all the time and they are lying. I go to school full time, I work part-time(20-25 hours a week), I have three kids(one of which is just over two months old), and I have homework to do. I barely even have time to eat, and frequently find myself doing that in front of the computer working or just before bedtime.
I always tell myself that I will get around to it. That there is plenty of time in my life and I will find the time to eat right and excercise once I have graduated and my kids are a little older. But I think I am just deluding myself. And more importantly, what if I don't have that much time, what if I drop dead of a coronary tomorrow. But, I know I can't ponder "What Ifs?', people have wasted their entire lives doing just that. I don't even know why I am writing this in my blog. Is it just because it is what is on my mind a hundred times each day or am I trying to rationize and work up my nerve. People are often reckless with their lives in their youth, don't care or think about when the end will find them. But then you have children and you realize that you want your kids to have a father, one day you hope to see them grow into fine adults, and even one day to hold your grandkids. I do not fear death, but I am in no hurry for it to find me. I don't know what will get me one day, at this point odds are in favor of the smoking or the obesisty.
So the two main things that face me are this, my self-image and my health. Neither are in good shape right now. I don't know what I am going to do about either, it is easy to say you are going to change. Saying it is the easiest thing in the world, doing it is the hard part.
posted by Brandon Michael Collinsworth at 9:34 AM
1 Comments:
Just a word of encouragment from someone who understands...
I've lost 36 lbs over the last 10 months. It has been slow,but not terribly difficult and on a 5 foot frame, 36 lbs makes a big difference. I still have at least 20 to go...
I had to cut the sugar out of my diet. I followed the South Beach approach, which really is not too hard once you learn how to replace the breads, potatoes, and rice with veggies...and cut out all sugary drinks. (overcoming the sugar addiction gave me a new appreciation for people hooked on drugs...THAT was hard, but worth it!)
I am 36 and have struggled with this weight since my 20's...but I promise you that by the time I reach 40 I will have this thing done and dusted. You can do this...YOU CAN DO IT. There is nothing special about me.
You are an intelligent man and have to power to make the right choices for your body. It is about choice. And you are worth making good choices for yourself, and your children are worth it too.
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